


Are You There?

by peg8472



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 18:11:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11167299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peg8472/pseuds/peg8472
Summary: “Maybe I just needed to be sure… he’d love me back” Kathryn reflects on what led up to her saying that to the doctor. A different look at the events of Fair Haven and where they would have led if that was the case.





	1. Chapter 1

20:48 hours 

“Maybe I just needed to be sure… he’d love me back”. I said, deep in thought now. 

It wasn’t as though I was lying to the Doctor. As far as he knew, this is all about my inner dilemma of letting myself love this charming Irish barkeep, Michael Sullivan. But in reality, I’m thinking of a different man entirely. I’ve pushed Chakotay away for so long. Held up each of Starfleet’s damned protocols and regulations for ages, and now I’ve all but lost the man I pine for every day.  
Upon meeting Michael, I thought that maybe this time I’d be able to make a mutual relationship. I am genuinely attracted to him.. well, after I made some alterations that is. But still, Michael is the perfect man for me.  
And he loves me. Opportunity is knocking on my door. And yet I hesitate to open it. I hesitate because I know who will be standing on the other side. I don’t want to be disappointed at the thought, and yet I am. He’s a good man, who can give me what I want and need, but I don’t want it from him. I don’t need it from him.  
Even though it’s been a few months since the Equinox, Chakotay and I haven’t been the same since. Sometimes, I feel that I can see a sort of glint in his eye that he used to have when we’d joke with each other. But it fades quickly, and I’m left to question if it was even there in the first place --

“But isn’t that the risk you always take? . .” he goes on, but I don’t hear him after that. 

I’ve never been afraid of taking risks. 

So why am I still standing here? Why am I in the turbolift on my way back to the bridge, and into my ready room to review B’Elanna’s report on the warp plasma manifold that broke last night? Why aren’t I going to Chakotay’s quarters to tell him what’s really been going on? 

This is all getting too real now, that’s why. It’s too much all at once. I’d been able to push my complicated feelings about all of this aside to focus on my command. But this sidestep into Fair Haven brought all of this to the forefront for the first time in a long while. To keep from panicking due to all of this in my head at once, I go through what I know.  
I do care very deeply for Chakotay. Always have and always will.  
I love him. Always have and always will.  
He’s moved on, and that kills me every day.  
These past few days spent in Fair Haven have felt like hell. I initially used it as a distraction from the storm around us. A “morale booster” as Neelix might say. But after spending some time there, I realized that it only made things worse for me. I usually used anomalies and dangerous fights with enemy ships to keep my mind off of things.  
Fair Haven made me realize how much I’m missing out on with Chakotay. The attention I got from Michael reminded me of how Chakotay and I were in the beginning. His charming demeanor, the easy conversations, and the way he seemed genuinely happy to be with me.  
To be honest, it made me mad at Chakotay for giving up on me. Then I got angry with myself for even thinking that. How could I expect him to wait for me? I was holding up those protocols so high that nobody could top them. I tried to make the perfect relationship I always dreamed of by changing Michael to suit me better. The more I changed him, the more I was able to pretend I was spending all this time with Chakotay.  
The more I could pretend I didn’t ruin everything.


	2. Chapter 2

15:36 hours

Remembering when Chakotay ran into me and Michael in the square earlier this morning is always difficult. I was so dumbfounded by how straight forward Michael was in letting me know he was interested. Chakotay and I were never like that back then. Everything was confusing and riddled with subtext. But then to top off this situation, Chakotay pops up out of nowhere. I felt like a kid who had gotten caught sneaking a cookie out of the jar. Like my secret was out, right then and there.   
I can’t tell if it made me feel better or worse that Chakotay brought it up on the bridge. Him telling me there was no reason to be embarrassed only made me feel more embarrassed in hindsight. I turned my face away so he wouldn’t see me wince at the memory.   
But another part of me feels slightly pleased with myself because I kind of enjoy rubbing Michael in his face a little bit, if I’m totally honest. Whether or not Chakotay even cares any more, I like to think that at least a small part of him is jealous to see that I’m happy with someone that isn’t him.   
That sounds so horrible of me… and I do feel bad about being happy with that small thought. But it’s enough to keep me from spiraling into a pit of despair for now so I’ll take it. 

\-- /\ --

When I’m brought out of my long train of thought by the sound of my door chime, I jump in my seat and spill some of my steaming hot coffee onto my leg. I wince and scream internally a little bit before I call for entrance. 

It’s Chakotay. Well, shit.

“Yes, Commander?” I spit out through gritted teeth and shoot him my best attempt at a glare while trying to brush off the spilled coffee with my free hand. 

“Kathryn, what just happened?”, he asks somewhat sheepishly. 

“Oh, you know, I just felt like I had an abundance of replicator rations left so I decided “to hell with it” and dumped some of my coffee..” I sigh and continue, a bit more calmly “.. you scared me. What do you need, Commander?” I feel that my use of his rank after his use of my name puts him back in line enough to get to the point of his visit. 

“I was just going to give you this,” he holds a PADD out to me, and I take it in my left hand and then place the PADD and my cup of coffee down on my desk at the same time. “it’s my report from the storm we’re in.” he says while looking down at my cup of coffee. 

“I thought you already gave me one on the bridge earlier…?” I said without looking up at him.

“I did, yes, but this one is a revised edition that I rewrote after I learned some more about what’s been going on today.” At that I looked at him and when I saw the small smirk on his face, I felt something in my stomach flip and my mouth parted slightly with a small intake of breath. Why is he looking at me like that?

“Captain.” he tipped his head towards me slightly and turned on his heel and walked out the door. 

What on Earth just happened? I stare at the door he just walked out of for several moments before I stand up and look down at the wet coffee stain on my pants. On my way to the replicator, I sigh heavily. 

“Coffee. Black.” The replicator whirs and then there’s a new cup of steaming black coffee. I take it in both of my hands and let the warmth comfort my hands for a moment before I take a sip. I sit back down at my desk, set the cup down, and take a deep breath. After staring at the PADD Chakotay just brought in for what feels like an hour, I pick it up slowly and tap it so it lights up.

I open the document and my breath catches in my throat when I read the short message he’s left me. 

“Dinner tonight. My quarters. 1900 hours.”


	3. Chapter 3

18:10 Hours

I sit in my quarters now having just recycled the books I replicated about Irish culture and poetry. The more I think about my behavior these past few days the more I’m disgusted and ashamed at myself. 

After seeing Chakotay’s dinner invitation, I didn’t know what to do. I sat and stared at that PADD for at least half an hour. My mind was going crazy with ‘what ifs’ and just wondering why he’d do that. Was is business or pleasure? Must be business. He must want to go over the reports I haven’t looked over yet because of all my time spent in Fair Haven. Or he might want to tell me I’m that Captain and I should remember my duty to the crew comes before my having fun on the holodeck. He might just want to see me because it’s been a little while since our last “weekly” dinner, and he feels obligated to start them up again. Make it look like the Captain and Commander are getting along again for the crew’s sake. 

Neelix came to see me and informed me of a rings tournament tonight at Sullivan’s. I can’t go back there. Not tonight. I was there before I came back and recycled my books. After I finished a dance with the people in the pub, I let Michael kiss me. I kissed him back. If I’m being honest, it felt good. But it also felt wrong. Not because he’s a hologram, but because I know I was using him as a substitute for Chakotay. I freaked out after seeing the dinner invitation, so I immediately went to the holodeck and kissed the first nice man who asked. 

So now I’ve messed it up with two men. Two men who are good and loved me. Or at least they did before I led them on, made them believe we could have something great, and then dropped them. Michael will eventually do the same thing that Chakotay did. He’ll realize that I’m no longer worth chasing or waiting for and then move on to another more worthy woman. Let’s face it, all women are more worthy of those two men than I am. Even if Chakotay did still love me at all, I don’t deserve it. 

I have been nothing but awful to that man ever since we got off that planet all those years ago. My behavior after we got back was my way of coping. I pushed him further and further away because I couldn’t stand to be that close and not touch. I was stupid. I got it in my head that we could have had something. When we came back to the ship, and the crew, and Starfleet Protocols, I knew anything we had before must stop. I didn’t want to. But what kind of Captain would I be if I let myself break protocol like that? What kind of example would I be setting for my crew? 

So I pushed him away. And he stayed away. I can’t blame him for staying back. It’s my fault, and I have nobody to blame but myself. I love him, and I lost him before I even had him. 

It’s 18:56 now. I can’t see Chakotay tonight. I want to. God I want to. But I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to go in there and hear him say anything other than he still loves me. And the truth his, he’ll never say that to me. I can’t face him tonight and hear him say anything about how Lieutenant Ayala developed a new way to conceal a phaser or a malfunction in the warp plasma network. I just can’t hear any of that. 

So I’m staying right here in my quarters. I’m sorry Chakotay. I love you. And that’s why I can’t.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry/not sorry for a real long last chapter.

20:53 hours 

‘I’ve never been afraid of taking risks.’

I remind myself of this as the doors to the Turbolift close between me and the Doctor. Why am I going back to the bridge? Seriously, why am I going to the bridge and not to Chakotay? 

The simple answer is that I’m scared. I am scared. Terrified, really. But someday I’m going to need to stop feeling like this. All day I’ve been sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. Hating myself for what I let happen between me and Chakotay. But instead, why don’t I be the person to take a risk, and go for him. If he still isn’t waiting when I get there, at least I tried. 

This sudden rush of courage and spontaneity makes me want to go straight to him. 

“Computer, halt Turbolift. De-”

“Captain, you are needed on the bridge. We are coming to the edge of the storm.” 

I close my eyes and let out a sigh I didn’t know I was holding. My shoulders slump a little as I tell the ‘lift to go to the bridge. Damn those Vulcans and their awful sense of timing. 

Well, there goes my courage. 

\--/\\--

23:38 Hours

Mr. Paris just came in to tell me that there are a lot of repairs that need to be done to the holodeck. Most of Fair Haven is gone and it’ll take weeks to get it all back up and running again. 

I’m not as upset as I thought I’d be. Not about Fair Haven, but about being called to the bridge earlier. It’s almost like it was a sign. Maybe that was the universe telling me it wasn’t a good idea to have been going there in the first place. And maybe it wasn’t. There was no guarantee that he would even take me back. Shit, I don’t even know if that’s what he was asking me to dinner for. 

I guess I’ll never find out. So much for taking risks. 

I stand up and walk to my replicator. I order a cup of black coffee and it comes out tasting old and lukewarm. Deciding not to argue it, I just place the cup on my coffee table and have a seat on the couch, looking out at the stars. 

I hadn’t even been looking outside for more than two minutes before my door chime rings. I grunt a little under my breath before calling for entrance over my shoulder. They walk in the door but don’t say anything for a minute. 

“Yes?” at their silence I continue, “If you have any kind of report on the storm just leave it on my desk and I’ll get to it as soon as I can, thank you.” I ground out in frustration. 

“Captain.” My spine immediately stiffens and my head snaps around at the unexpected voice. 

“Commander? What are you - Why are -” I cannot form any words and this is getting too embarrassing. I stand up and walk down the steps to stand behind my desk. 

“You didn’t come.” He says flatly. 

“Chakotay, I -” 

“You didn’t come.” He says again, this time with a heavy voice. He looks me in the eyes and the longer I look the more emotions I see. I see flecks of anger, hurt, fear, and anguish. I look away when I start to feel the sting of tears forming in my own eyes. 

“I can explain.” I say in the hopes that he’ll let me try. I don’t know what I’d say. But I need him to stay here. I need him to stay with me and talk with me right now. 

He doesn’t say anything. Instead he slowly walks to the chair in front of my desk, and takes a seat. 

At this I feel my heart start to go a little faster. As much as I don’t want it there, I can feel a small flicker of hope start to swell in the pit of my stomach. I take a deep, shaky breath and try to figure out where to begin. 

“I wanted to come.” I hardly finished that first sentence before I saw his eyes start to roll. “I know. That’s not what you want to hear right now. And it’s not what I want to be saying. I don’t know. I just, I wanted to be there, Chakotay. I did. I just felt too awful. I couldn’t figure out why you would’ve sent me something like that. When I first saw it, all I could think was that you… but then I started to doubt that… I don’t know. I just didn’t know. I’m sorry” By the time I finish I realize I don’t even know what I just said, but I hope it made some sense to him. 

“You could have asked, you know.” He says without breaking eye contact with me. He can no doubt see the surprise in my eyes now. 

After a second I let out a sort of chuckle before I ask, “Asked you what, Chakotay? Did you expect me just to walk up and ask you ‘Hi Chakotay. Yeah, so I was wondering, is this dinner you just invited me to strictly business or is it pleasure?’ Sure, cuz that sounds like me.” I spit dryly. 

He waits a moment, appraising me, before he responds. “No, Kathryn, that’s not what I expected you to say. I didn’t expect anything from you. Because after all this time, that’s what I’ve learned to do. Expect nothing, and that way, maybe I can avoid being hurt.” At that he stands up so quickly that his chair turns over and I hardly have enough time to look up in his direction before he’s out the door. The second the doors close behind him I bury my head into my hands and weep. I’ve lost him again. 

02:11 Hours

I can’t sleep. I’ve been laying in bed with my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling for the past hour and I still am no closer to sleep than I was before. 

I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe he said that to me. 

Ugh, who am I kidding. Of course he said those things to me. He should say those and a million other things a million times worse. I deserve the worst he has to offer. I’ve hurt him in so many unimaginable ways. That’s very clear to me now. I wish there was a way I could fix things. If he can’t find a way to love me anymore, then maybe I could help him find a way to tolerate me enough that we can finish this mission and get home. 

Before I can stop myself, I say into the darkness, “Computer, locate Commander Chakotay.”

“Commander Chakotay is in his quarters.”

“Is he awake?”

“Affirmative.”

A small sigh escapes my lips. Relief? Or fear? Yes. 

Again, before I can stop myself, I find myself kicking off the Starfleet issue sheets to my bed and padding over to Chakotay’s quarters. I ring the chime and am granted immediate entry. 

When my eyes adjust to the darkness I can see that he’s sitting with his back to me in the armchair facing the viewport. I take another step towards him and as I open my mouth to speak he beats me to it. 

“What do you want Kathryn?” I can hear the utter defeat in his voice and it nearly kills me. 

I decide to go with my gut on this one. I can’t keep beating around the bush. So I say, in a near whisper, “You.” 

That got his attention. He’s standing now, facing me. “What?”  
“I can’t keep playing these games Chakotay. I know what I’ve put you through these past few years. And I understand if you could never forgive me for it all.” I take a step towards him. “I would probably never forgive me, either. But before you make that decision, I need you to know this. I’m sorry. I’ve messed up. With you, with Michael,” I see him wince a little at the mention of his name. “and I don’t want to keep doing that. I don’t want to mess everything up anymore.” 

He takes a step towards me now. I can see most of his face in the starlight now. I can see his kind eyes, the lines of his tattoo. “What do you want Kathryn?” He asks again, without breaking eye contact with me. 

He’s getting closer to me still, and I can feel my breath catch in my throat as my face sits mere inches from his. 

“I… I want to know…” My voice stops when I notice something different in his eyes now. That small glint of hope I used to see all those years ago. It’s back. It’s small, but it’s back. I can see it. 

He moves his hand to gently touch my jaw and cup the side of my face. I let out a sigh. Of relief? Or fear? No. Relief. 

He gets another inch closer to my face, so close I can feel the warmth of his breath on my cheeks, and he whispers, “I’m right here.” 

The tears that were welling in my eyes overflow and a cheeky grin appears on my face. I bring one of my hands up to trace the lines of his tattoo. When I move my hand to rest against his cheek I whisper, “I’ve always wanted to do that.” 

He wipes away the tears on my face with his thumbs and closes the gap between us by pressing his lips lightly to mine. I can feel my heart thud louder than it ever has before. I feel a rush over my whole body and the shock of it made me gasp into his mouth. I wrap my arm around his neck and thread the other one through his hair. As the kiss becomes more passionate, he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him. Six years of desire and love pour into one moment, and it’s almost too much for me to take.

We only stop when I pull away in order to breathe. He still has his arms wound tightly around my waist when I cup his face with my hand again and I trace his lips with my thumb. 

“I’ve always wanted to do that.” He says with a light chuckle at the end. 

I laugh and wrap my arms around him and press my face into the side of his neck. I feel the warmth of his hands press into the small of my back and the warmth of his breath in my hair. “I love you.” I say into his neck.

I feel him stop suddenly and say, “What?” as he brings me around to face him again.  
I rest my hand over his chest and stare at it for a second before looking into his eyes and repeating, “I love you, Chakotay. So much.” 

He lets out a sigh and grasps my hand over his chest in both of his. He kisses the tops of my fingers before bringing the palm of my hand to rest on his cheek and keeping his on top of mine. “I love you too, Kathryn. Always.” 

He moves my palm over his lips and holds it there for a moment before taking both of my hands in his and taking a seat on the couch. When I raise my eyebrow at him, he smirks enough for me to see his dimples. I feel my heart swell with love and I chuckle while taking my seat next to him. He puts his arm around me and I snuggle close to his side. I rest my hand on his chest and take a deep breath as he grasps my hand in his.

I decide in that moment that all those years holding up Starfleet’s old and tired protocols are nothing to holding the hand of the man I love. All I care about now is making sure I don’t mess these things up anymore.


End file.
